President-elect Plans ‘Brown Zones’ for Skilled Undocumented Immigrants

Today the recently re-elected former president announced a new twist on his mass deportation plan: He intends to construct hundreds of immigrant residential centers around the nation he is calling Brown Zones, where undocumented people from all over the country can be safely and securely housed.

“These gorgeous facilities built by the Trump Organization will provide secure and comfortable accommodations for highly skilled, carefully vetted workers with expired green cards or H-1B visas only,” Mr. Trump stated one week before his inauguration.

The announcement shocked some political observers who are calling it a notable retreat from the former president’s most repeated campaign promise. Addressing his critics, Mr. Trump stated, “Look, we’d love to deport all of them, but let’s be honest, some do very good work, and it would be a shame to lose them.”

“For example Ignacio, the fellow who does Melania’s waxing, is like Da Vinci. He’s a virtuoso, alright? Turns out he’s an illegal, so he’ll be moving into a Brown Zone just forty miles from Mar-A-Lago in February, and he says he can’t wait. It’s a dorm type situation, like they’re in college, which is what makes it so exciting,” the president-elect noted.

“And Sanjay, my chiropractor, he’s on an expired H-1B, the guy works absolute miracles on my spine. He’s from India but doesn’t wear the towel. We’re trying to arrange for him to have a single, no roommates, so we’ll see. We’ll need to have some deluxe accommodations for the real pros,” Mr. Trump said, referring to plans for the proposed collection of medium-security housing complexes.

“Oh and Arcelia, one of our cooks, if you tasted her chimichanga you’d understand, it may be the greatest and most authentic ever made. She’s a special lady— remember, I love hispanics— and we’re trying to reserve a bottom bunk for her in one of the nicer units,” he added.

White House communications director Steven Cheung acknowledged that the name of the planned residential development is a tribute to the work of Dan Buettner, the award-winning journalist and world explorer whose 2010 National Geographic story identified five population centers, so-called blue zones, which he claimed lead the world in human longevity.

In 2020 Buettner sold the blue zones concept to the hospital corporation Adventist Health for $78 million, and although his work has been thoroughly debunked by scientists and health experts— who have demonstrated that his longevity claims are based on fraudulent vital records among other errors— he and Adventist Health continue to promote the claim that residents of certain communities around the world have defied the effects of poverty through their commitment to an active lifestyle, healthy diet, strong community connections and a sense of purpose, and thereby lived significantly longer on average.

Still, the president-elect was careful to distance himself from Buettner and AH, saying, “Many people do not appreciate the colors blue, pink and yellow being shoved down their throats just to see what comes out the other end,” a reference to Buettner’s collection of trademarked multi-colored zones.

While the Trump Organization intends to oversee construction of the secure residental facilities, some funding may be obtained from private philanthropic and nonprofit sources, Cheung told reporters. Organizations like the Seventh Day Adventist Church, which loaned the sexual wellness center One Taste $2.4 million for the purchase of their Philo, California, property, might be interested in investing in Brown Zones, Cheung added.

Reached for comment, AH’s spokesperson Rachel K. Green stated, "We are required to seek God's direct guidance and direction with how we employ our resources. We’ll get back to you.”

Referring to the ongoing intellectual property dispute between Buettner and independent journalist Eliot Rosewater, whose trademark defines a Brown Zone as a region where residents produce the most regular and optimally formed bowel movements in the world as measured by the Bristol Stool Chart, Cheung stated, “Our Brown Zones will absolutely not be populated by blending Blue, Pink and Yellow Zone dwellers, nor will new Brown Zone designees be screened for specific fecal qualifications.”

Last February a study in the journal Nature indicated that residents of Mendocino County, California, outperform all other global population centers based on Rosewater’s metrics, and that county was named the world’s first Brown Zone.

In an apparent bid to deflect criticism regarding the large-scale forced relocation plan, Mr. Trump noted, “In fact, since the workers will be participating in the college experience— with roommates and common bathrooms and whatnot— we’re looking into offering them some academic credit. How's that for racist?”