Trump to Reveal Orange Zones Across U.S. on Election Day

Building on the media buzz he created by announcing the discovery of eleven Red, White and Blue Zones on Independence Day, former president Trump promised his followers on Tuesday that he would recognize and begin to “fortify” a number of Orange Zones, locales with clear majorities of MAGA partisans, throughout the United States on Tuesday, November 5, Election Day in the U.S.

These sites will soon be walled and their perimeters monitored by volunteer “freedom-loving MAGA men and women,” the former president said, adding that he would personally authenticate and certify these regions.  “We need these zones recognized and strengthened, period,” said the former president, speaking to reporters Tuesday.  “In November we’re going to be honoring and fortifying these zones, which are filled with American patriots.”

Mr. Trump suggested that prominent leaders in the MAGA-verse, “Tucker, RFK Jr., of course,” and others would assume leadership roles in the promotion and management of the newly established Orange Zones, or “Oh-Zoes,” a shorthand suggested by Trump campaign spokesperson Steven Cheung.

The perimeter walls would be partly funded by a new special half-percent national excise tax on wine, spirits and cannabis sold anywhere outside the newly established Orange Zones.  “Democrat elites will be paying for our beautiful orange walls every time they buy their booze and their dope,” Trump said, adding that “everyday heroes” would assist in the construction of perimeter walls and fencing around the soon-to-be-designated zones.

Funding for construction will also be obtained from private philanthropic and nonprofit sources, Cheung told reporters.  Organizations like the Seventh Day Adventist Church– whose hospital corporation Adventist Health purchased the Blue Zones concept in 2021 for $78 million and which loaned the sexual wellness center One Taste $2.4 million for the purchase of their Philo, California, property– might be interested in investing in Orange Zones, Cheung added.

Adventist Health spokesperson Rachel K. Green did not immediately respond to requests for comment.

“Look, we tried Red, White and Blue Zones, and that was fun,” the former president said, referring to the honorary status he unveiled on July fourth for U.S. locales whose residents excel in pride of country.  Those particular zones stirred controversy when it was noted they overlapped precisely with the eleven states which seceded from the United States in 1860 to protect the practice of slavery and formed the Confederate States of America.

All residents of the newly named Orange Zones will receive a set of five golf tees inscribed with the quotation, “The Boss is not going to leave,” the now historic comment made by Mr. Trump's advisor and former caddie Dan Scavino shortly after Trump’s 2020 election defeat.  Residents will also be entered in a drawing to win an NFT of a video of Mr. Trump drinking a can of Diet Coke, his signature beverage, and will enjoy a fifteen percent discount on Mr. Trump’s proprietary Bible and his line of sneakers, which will soon include special edition ‘Oh-Zo’ high tops and golf shoes.

Mr. Trump said that both the Orange and the Red, White and Blue Zones had been “inspired by” the work of Dan Buettner, the award-winning journalist and world explorer whose 2010 National Geographic story identified five population centers, so-called Blue Zones, which he claimed lead the world in human longevity.  The former president was careful to distance himself from Buettner and AH, however, saying “Some people do not appreciate the colors blue, pink, yellow and brown being shoved down their throats or into any other orifice,” a reference to Buettner’s trademarked multi-colored zones.

 “We’ve got Soros and Bloomberg and their comrades working hard and spending a lot of money to defeat us from their sad blue and pink and yellow towers.  I heard they’re fighting over brown zones now, how disgusting is that?” Trump said, referring to the intellectual property dispute between Buettner and independent journalist Eliot Rosewater, whose trademark defines a Brown Zone as a region where residents produce the most regular and optimally formed bowel movements in the world as measured by the Bristol Stool Chart.  

In February a study in the journal Nature indicated that residents of Mendocino County, California, outperform all other global population centers based on Rosewater’s metrics, and that county was named the world’s first Brown Zone.

Noting that the existence of blue zones has now been roundly debunked by reputable scientists and health experts, the former president declared, “It’s time to go Orange, folks.  Go Orange or go home.”